Pioneering the future of strategic technical negligence and sustainable organizational dysfunction since 2008.
Our mission is simple: extract maximum value while delivering minimum results, ensuring your organization remains dependent on our services indefinitely.
Big Evil Corporation was founded on the principle that problems are more profitable than solutions. While other consulting firms waste time trying to fix issues, we've perfected the art of creating new ones while appearing to address old ones.
With over 15 years of experience in making simple things complicated, we've helped countless organizations achieve unprecedented levels of developer turnover, project failure, and technical debt accumulation. Our proprietary methodologies ensure that every engagement leaves your systems more fragile and unmaintainable than when we arrived.
We believe in the power of buzzwords over substance, the necessity of unnecessary meetings over productive work, and the fundamental principle that yesterday's quick fix is today's critical incident waiting to happen.
Core Values
We measure success not by problems solved, but by billable hours accumulated. Every solution should create at least three new problems requiring additional consulting engagements.
Simple solutions threaten our business model. We advocate for maximum architectural complexity, ensuring only we can navigate the labyrinth we've created.
Knowledge transfer reduces dependency. We actively discourage documentation, ensuring institutional knowledge remains locked in the minds of consultants who are conveniently unavailable.
We recommend technologies and frameworks that will be unsupported within 18 months, guaranteeing future migration projects and continued revenue streams.
Industry standards and proven patterns are for companies that want maintainable systems. We prefer innovative anti-patterns that ensure long-term consulting relationships.
True success means clients cannot function without us. We design every system with maximum proprietary dependencies and minimal portability.
Leadership Team
Chief Executive Officer
Chad founded Big Evil Corporation after successfully convincing a Fortune 500 company that blockchain was the solution to their email problems. His visionary approach to creating unnecessary complexity has generated over $2.4 billion in remediation costs across the industry.
Previously spent 8 years at a major consulting firm, where he pioneered the "fail fast, bill faster" methodology. Holds an MBA from a prestigious institution that prefers not to be named in this context.
Chief Technology Officer
Dr. Overengineer holds 47 patents, none of which solve actual problems. Her doctoral thesis on "Applying Machine Learning to Hello World Applications" established her as a thought leader in unnecessary complexity.
She's the mastermind behind our signature "Microservices for Everything" approach, which transformed a simple CRUD application into 847 independently deployable services, each with its own database, queue, and cache.
VP of Technical Debt
Marcus believes that "if it ain't broke, break it, then patch it badly." With 20 years of experience in creating unmaintainable systems, he's the architect behind some of the industry's most infamous codebases.
His "just ship it" philosophy has resulted in production incidents on every major holiday for the past 12 years. He's particularly proud of a single function that spans 3,200 lines and has defeated every refactoring attempt.
Chief Revenue Officer
Jennifer has an uncanny ability to turn three-month projects into three-year engagements. Her specialty is identifying "critical requirements" that were somehow missed during the initial scoping phase.
Under her leadership, the average project scope has expanded by 340% while timeline estimates have become purely theoretical concepts. She pioneered the "yes, and also..." sales methodology.
Director of Vendor Lock-In
David's expertise lies in creating systems so tightly coupled to proprietary platforms that migration becomes mathematically impossible. He's the author of "1,000 Ways to Avoid Standard Protocols."
His proudest achievement is a data format so custom that it requires three separate translation layers and a legacy Java applet to parse. The original specification document has been lost, ensuring permanent dependency.
VP of Unrealistic Expectations
Amanda specializes in helping management set deadlines that defy the laws of physics. Her inspirational talks on "sleep is for the uncommitted" have become legendary in the industry.
She's never met a timeline she couldn't cut in half or a team she couldn't burn out. Her record is achieving 287% developer turnover in a single quarter while maintaining executive bonuses.
Company History
Big Evil Corporation founded during the financial crisis. While other companies focused on survival, we saw opportunity in organizational chaos. Our first client engagement resulted in a complete system rewrite that took 4 years and was eventually abandoned.
Opened offices in three new cities after our "innovative" approach to cloud migration left 12 companies unable to access their own data for weeks. The resulting recovery contracts funded our expansion.
Pioneered applying microservices architecture to applications that absolutely did not need it. Successfully transformed a monolithic e-commerce site into 600+ services, increasing hosting costs by 4000% and latency by an average of 3.2 seconds.
Convinced 47 companies to integrate machine learning into systems that worked perfectly well with basic if/else statements. The resulting models require constant retraining, ensuring perpetual engagement.
Helped companies transition to remote work by implementing 17 different communication tools, each with different password requirements and none compatible with each other. Productivity decreased 63%.
Now a global leader in technical debt creation with over 10,000 failed projects and $2.4 billion in accumulated client losses. Our reputation for making things worse has never been stronger.